Running has turned into a sort of therapy for me. After losing my brother this past September, I haven't really learned how to cope with missing him. I was 24 weeks pregnant when he died, so I put all my energy into preparing to give birth and be a mother. Now that I've had my son, all those emotions have come flooding back. There are moments when Isaac does something funny and the first person I think to tell is my brother. I think, man, Ryan would totally get why I thought that was funny! My throat catches and I begin to cry thinking that I can't ever tell him the silly things my son, his nephew, did this afternoon. It's such a raw feeling. It's not like Ryan's in another country; he's in a place I won't reach until I die. It's surreal. Most of the time I don't even have the words to describe how I'm feeling. Most of the time the only thing that makes me feel better is to cry. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but it just boils down to missing my brother. I miss everything about him. Every. Single. Thing.
It's hard for me to talk about Ryan with just anyone. In most cases, I know my friends and family don't really know what to say to me, so it's hard because I don't really get to talk about Ryan. It's painful to talk about him just as much as it is to NOT talk about him. My goal is to just get through each day. I'm here for a reason and I do believe my life is mapped out by God. He loves me and I know my struggle is part of a bigger plan. Honestly, sometimes that's is a hard pill to swallow, but I'm keeping faith in God.
"There are moments in life when you miss someone so much, you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real."
Ryan would get a kick out of this photo!
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